Real Mums in a Real World

Most women during pregnancy suffer a range of “issues” - whether its morning sickness that lasts all day, sciatica, the relaxin hormone working overtime, discrimination in the workplace, extreme fatigue … the list could go on for aaaaages!

Not me, however. Nope, from almost day one, I have had Pants Issues. The whole way through. Is very annoying. My fave jeans just stopped fitting right. My maternity pants from previous pregancies were too big, and the wrong season! I bought some maternity jeans, and it turns out they were designed just not quite right, and either fell down, cut across my belly and hung really low at the crutch or just were blergh!

I’m also a jeans chick. I looooooove my jeans. Love ‘em, love ‘em, love ‘em! Sadly, its seemed, I was destinted to wear mens pyjama pants for my entire pregnancy. Which didn’t bother 5 year old son, but 7 year old almost had a coniption!

To make myself feel better (as one does) I went shopping, got my hands on the ‘next size up’ jeans (2 pair) and got hold of some maternity wraps from Belly Bumps to Baby Hugs.

Hooray! Pants issues solved.

I got to wear my jeans throughout the whole of Winter, continue to wear my current wardrobe of tops, and keep my belly warm all at the same time! Being double sided, I got additional wear out of the one item, and was better able to match them to the tops I already had.

So, apart from feeling like a big fat man who overate at Christmas dinner, walking around with my jeans undone day in and day out, my “maternity attire” expenditure was kept waaaaay down, and I can continue to wear my jeans, post- birth.

Apparently, the wraps are also great to wear post-baby-extraction and while you’re breastfeeding. Hmmm, sounds good to me - keep the belly warm while your shirt is pulled up around your ears, and prevent surrounding patrons in the local cafe being horrified at the pasty, fleshy mound that was once my taught tummy.

I dunno about anyone else, but, unlike Ange and Nicole, i doubt I’m gonna get my pre-baby bod back before Christmas. Or should I say my pre-baby-baby-baby?

Anyhoo, Belly Bumps to Baby Hugs Maternity Wraps - awesome, and available from Belly Bumps to Baby Hugs (http://www.bellybumpstobabyhugs.com.au) for only $19.95 (currently on sale at only $15.00 :))

(And I’ll let you know how they go post-bub ;))

There’s been an awful lot of talk today about toddlers and tantrums in shopping centres.

Not least of which has been my own input, starting this morning with a quote by yours truly in an article in the Melbourne Herald Sun (Shopping centres offer tantrum-taming classes for weary mums) and a lovely chat with the lovely Derryn Hinch on Melbourne’s 3AW Drive Time this afternoon.

There’s loads of fabulous advice out there from some well-renowned experts on how to deal with, or better still, prevent a toddler tanty out in public, but lets face it, choosing when to go shopping is not always an option.

’specially when you have, you know, a life outside of going shopping with your toddler. A life that includes, say, picking other kids up from school, or getting that leg wax you’ve had to put off for the last 13 years. Importnant stuff.

And really, we all know you’d rather not have to take your toddler shopping. In fact, who in their right mind would want to? No, you take them because, generally you have no other option!

The other significant part to the toddler taming tantrum tacting thing that appears to be seriously missing is the other main player in the game. Yes, the Mummy.

Not laying any blame or fault here, coz as far as Real Mums are concerned, its never the Mummy’s fault. No way! (OK well maybe sometimes)

But the reality of it is, if Mummy is not happy, then its not bloody likely anyone else will be either. So if Mummy has to go shopping in what little time she has left in her day, when she’d rather be doing something else, and has to take Toddler along, and she’s tired and grumpy, well its not gonna make for a pretty site.

Combined with the blatantly obvious - that of the shopping centres (large chain supermarkets and any other person in business for money) dong everything in their power to have as many people through their doors spend as much as possible in one visit (good business practice, really) - then you’re up for a disaster.

So, short of large chain supermarkets proffering a glass of wine when you pick up your trolley, and taking your kid off your hand, you’re stuck with it. Proffering a glass of wine, and taking your kid off your hand, I might add, will also result in an increase in expenditure at a particular outlet, but probably not quite the desired expenditure as one would like.

Anyhoo, we have some Real Mums tips for you:

• 24 hour supermarkets and late night shopping are your friend! Use them where you can.
• No one cares if you are in your jarmies and/or slippers.
• Where possible, go when you are not in some sort of tired or grumpy bitch mood.
• Toddlers throw tantrums - accept it and deal with it. Stop bloody pretending they’re gonna behave just because you’re out in public and want to shop in peace.
• Toddlers don’t care  that you want to shop in peace. In fact, the moment they get wind of the fact that you do … well, there goes all your peace for the next 3.7 hours.
• Toddlers like bright noisy things, nice tasting things and embarrassing the crap out of you in public.
• The minute you accept that this is what toddlers are like, the sooner you can deal with it.
• Practice some suitable responses to their demands for toys/lollies/a ride in the trolley. For example, when they whinge/yell/scream “I wanna lolly“, calmy turn to them and camly say “Yeah, well, I want a holiday in the Bahamas for a week without you, but we can’t always get what we want, can we?” and calmly walk away. They’ll catch up. Eventually.
• Stop kidding yourself that the large chain stores and big shopping centres are gonna do stuff to lessen the risk of a tanty. This would just be shooting themselves in the business foot. Don’t expect the government to do anything about it either - why would they risk losing a good source of income for themselves. Little hint: they don’t care about you and your toddler tantrums.  They’re in it for the dosh. You wanna get them back? Leave your kid there chucking a tanty in the middle of the toy department. Go get yourself a coffee and stop stressing.
• Screw the onlookers. This is what the big shop business type execs are relying on - you caring what others think. They’ll embarrass you into purchasing your kid the biggest pack of chewing gum in the place - yup that one at eye level as you’re trying to leave. Stop caring what other’s are gonna say, practice your “no” retort (see above) and walk off.
• If anyone does comment, hand your kid over and tell them to deal with it. A hundred bucks says both the kid and the onlooker shut up there and then! Go for your coffee while they both stand there looking at you stunned.

The fact is, whatever tips you get, none of them are gonna be easy. Despite how reasonable and doable they sound on paper.

Kids chuck tanties, big business doesn’t care so long as you’re handing over your money. As soon as you accept these two factors, then the rest is going to be much easier to manage. Expect the tantrum, and you’ll be prepared for it when it happens. Just don’t accept it.

Saying “no” is hard, coz kids don’t like it. And they’re not going to accept it without a fight. Doesn’t mean you can’t stick to it.

My “week in the Bahamas” is tried and true - works wonders for me, and I no longer have tanties in shopping centres. And I don’t care that anyone thinks I’m a rude cow for speaking to my kids like that - they don’t have to live with them all the time - I do!

The Caesarean Debate has raised its ugly head again.

Channel 9’s 60 minutes recently did an article on Mother’s Choice, and there is regular, although not terribly frequent, talk of it in the broadsheet papers. And, of course, the “parenting” magazines.

A recent clean up of my home office uncovered a plethora of articles, stories and what not out there about the Caesarean debate, or just how high the rates are getting. Too many articles etc to mention. So I won’t.

The main theme of these articles and stories is the increasing rates of C-sections, particularly “elective” procedures, with debate between those who “choose” to and those who don’t. More often than not (note, I did not say “always”, just mostly) the c-section “participants” are chosen because they have “just decided” to have one, or the article highlights the number of “unnecessary” elective procedures.

Few and far between are the stories, or inclusion, of those who have to have them for medical reasons. They are, in fact, difficult to locate, even with a clear determination to find one.

Although there are many very good reasons for women not to have an “unneccesary” Caesarean (although the research is often conflicting and/or biased in some way) due to increased risk and a variety of complications for either the mother or baby, and it is mostly evident that the health services would like to get this message across, the fact is there are some groups who are using this evidence and the media to promote a cause. Or push one.

Aside from that, if you can find a woman who has a birth in the bath at home, with no medical personnel in attendance, and exhibit that alongside another women who “chose to have a Caesarean because I wanted to remain in tact down there” … well, lets face it, that just makes for good media, good debate, and great ratings!

 I digress …. Whilst there is a well intentioned (one can hope) message underlying this excess of “Great Birth Debate” stories and the like, there is a very significant component overlooked.

And a very unhealthy one at that.

Whilst the intent is to ensure the safety of mothers and babies (and some would also argue, quite rightly, that since the introduction of medical interventions such as C-sections and the like, that maternal and neo-natal death rates and complications have decreased significantly), there is an increasing pressure and expectation on mothers-to-be to “get it right”.

Unfortunately for some, this is just not the case. Not an option. Not a decision they can choose to make. Although there is increasingly (very little) reference to the “need for medical caesareans”, usually added as a mere footnote to some articles, or included in the opening paragraph and promptly forgotten with horror stories or shock tactics, essentially medical reasons are completely overlooked.

This includes emotional and/or psychological reasons or needs for choosing to have a C-section.

This constant “debate” around the “choice” places extreme pressure on women who have no choice, significantly increasing feelings of inadequacy on Mums to be (and Mums who have to go through the procedure). When you’re surrounded by stories of “women have been giving birth for years” and “its wrong to have this procedure”, its hard not to think of yourself as inadequate, that you’ve done something wrong, or that you’re not a “real mother”.

Worse when people tell you you’re not, because you didn’t “give birth properly”.

This overabundance of the same story, the same theme over and over again, poorly educates the public on what the reality is. The reality being that only a very, very small percentage of women “choose” the procedure because they have a board meeting to attend. The rates of those opting for an “elective” C-section due to medical reasons are much greater.

The constant retelling of the same information publicly only serves to reinforce the ignorance of the general public, and society as a whole, leading to comments from family, friends and the local greengrocer that are far from supportive. These comments, in fact, in most cases, only serve to add to the feelings of guilt, inadequacy (or inadequacies) and defectiveness that many women who undergo a Caesarean section experience.

Not only that, but the rates reported are not truly reflective of what is actually going on. In the cases where subsequent births are “elective Caesareans”, whether or not the first birth experience was, the reasons are often not reported leading to the misconception that there is a significant increase in women “choosing” to undergo the procedure.

The very fact that the options for this procedure are “emergency” or “elective” (also called “planned”) only serves to deceive the public about the reality. Sometimes, there just is no choice.

(Unless, of course, you consider carrying a baby for 23months, where at some point it will die in utero and hopefully sooner, rather than later, it will decay enough to be expelled from the body with no medical intervention at all a “choice”. That is a reality for some people.)

Although the intent of the media and certain support and birthing groups is admirable, there is far too little recognition and understanding of the experiences, thoughts and feelings of this “other group”, and far too much that only serves to strengthen the lack of understanding and knowledge of society. Leading to a perpetual downward spiral.

Of course, this is all aside from the fact that how a woman chooses to birth her child is really none of anyone else’s business.

As a society, aren’t there more important things we can think of to rally against or debate, choices that people make that have a much greater impact on the health and wellbeing of our communities and society as a whole, and increase the burden on our already incredibly strained public health system? Issues that are both related to pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, and a surfeit of other issues?

Before we stick our noses in and comment on the “choices” of others, lets get our story straight - and I don’t mean just from what we read in the glossy mags. And lets get a bit real about the issues we are fighting against, and lets make them mean something and make a real difference.

This book - this awesome cookbook - has once again found its way into my heart.

A week of chaos and mayhem (a standard week in my books) lead to a situation of limited ingredients, no time or energy (or inclination for that matter) to nick up to the shops and grab some more, and starving children who had to eat now, now, NOW!

I grabbed my copy of Keep The Table Laughing by Susan Whelan and Meredith Flynn and didn’t find one recipe, but several that could easily have been applied to the (lack of) ingredients I had on hand.

Although touted as the Cookbook with a Twist and suggested as being a book for cooks who love to read, and readers who love to cook, I actually find it pretty good for some easy, down to earth, recipes that really do have easy-to-obtain ingredients. ‘Course, the section of A can of this, a jar of that - cooking with pre-packaged ingredients makes life a smidge easier.

The section on the Ultimate Ingredients - bacon, cheese & chocolate is also a bit of a hit in this house. With a theory that any dish is made better by adding one of these three ingredients, who can argue really.

Filled not only with recipes that anyone can follow - and I literally mean anyone - they are accompanied by the humour and wit of the two authors.

So, if all else fails, and you really do have no ingredients in your fridge, and your cupboards are bare, you can always take your mind off that dilemma with a bit of a read and a good chuckle to yourself. Or, you can share with the rest of the family

Women, generally, are blessed with the gift of Compassion.

Of course, they are also cursed by the very same gift.

And we all know Mother’s are cursed with the Mother Guilt. Whether their ability to be compassionate increases when they become Mother’s or not, or whether its unique to me, I have no idea.

I had my seven year old booked into holiday program today.

They were running a session he wanted to do, building robots. I grabbed the form a few weeks back, and showed him, resulting in a very excited little boy, saying “I WANT to do that!”

No worries. If he’s going to enjoy it - and robots are his latest obsession - then why not.

The fact that he had never attended a holiday programhave  before in his ilfe crossed my mind. I flitted between “It’ll be good for him” and “But he’s never been before, will he be ok?”.

And of course “and what about his brother on that day??”

Then, as I sat filling out the form, I realised the Curse that Compassion is.

Holiday programs are for mother’s that need them.

Not something anyone has said, just something I tell myself. That Holiday Programs are for mums who work, and need their children looked after in a safe and fun environment. I love the idea.

That I, too, am a Working Mum never crossed my mind. Sure, I’m at home all day … but I run my own business. I do need some time to work on it. I’m home on my own, with the kids, no help, no support, no-one to entertain them while I work on my business. My husband out at his job, away from home.

It took me a week to fill in the form. The longer I left it, the more guilty thoughts crept into my mind. Mostly pertianing to the “taking up of space” that would better be utilised, and probably more needed, by a “proper” Working Mum.

(Perhaps, too, the gift of Compassion is the bain of the WAHM??)

That I was putting my son in care when I “didn’t need to”. That he would be there, potentially, without any friends, or anyone he knew. What sort of mother would do that to her child?

That I was taking him away for the day, leaving his younger brother with no-one to play with. Then, the most guilty of all thoughts “I wonder who I can ring for a play date today?”

The fact that putting one child in a holiday program and sending another to a friend’s house for a play (or having a friend over) was of any benefit or of any fun for my kids hardly crossed my mind.

I just felt guilty.

It didn’t help when I dropped him off, younger brother in tow. Older son, who hates anything new, was a tad reluctant to be left alone. Very unlike him, except in new situations. Particularly those situations where he is unsure of what to expect.

Of course, Younger Son was, loudly, informing me he wanted to stay, and didn’t want to leave “wifout my bruvver”.

Guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt.

I left him there, unsure of how he would go, knowing he would be ok, and worrying he would have no friends by the end of the day.

I left, feeling guilty. On so many levels.

(My Guilt was subsequently not lessened by Younger Son putting his shorts and Crocs on to go up the street, jumping in every puddle in sight, taking his shoes off in the post office because they were “got water in them”, then walking pack to the car, barefoot, in shorts, in the rain, carrying his shoes. Yes, people, I’m aware of what he is doing … and I feel guilty enough today, thank you very much. I don’t need you giving me those looks.”)

I had organised for a play date for Younger Son, with his best friend from kinder, at 2pm. His friend’s Mum called an hour earlier – ever so happy to have my kids over for a play – to let me know I could bring him ‘round, now, if that suited.

So, I did.Feeling even more guilty, because I was “getting rid of him” earlier than planned. Earlier than necessary? Who knows?

Of course, the “I will keep him here, take a day off from work and spend some time with him (again)” did cross my mind.

This, however, didn’t appease the guilt.

Oh, no … therein lies another layer … if I take a day off work, just how many people am I letting down today?

How many are relying on me, in my business, to reply to emails, fix a password, write an article, update their account …? Just get stuff to them that I promised them I would?

It is the gift of compassion for others, and compassion for my children and husband, that led me to start my own business, to work from home and to fulfil my dreams.

It is the curse of compassion that now leads me to experience the Mother of all Guilt.

Whilst it is common knowledge that women experience surges and significant falls in certain hormone levels, and even get to try on a few new ones during pregnancy, what is less known is that the imminent father also experiences a couple of hormonal changes himself.

The one that appears most obvious is the Obnoxious Hormone, which can cause the father to behave in a manner that ranges from slightly inconsiderate, through to downright insuffereable.

It causes men to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Like speak before they think, leading them to question your motives about wearing your pyjama pants to the parent-teacher interview, or why it is essential that the coffee mugs go precisely in that particular spot. 

It also causes them to point out the size of your rapidly expanding bottom in the later stages of pregnancy and eat the choc-rock icecream, which everyone knows was purchased for your sole purpose only, and you need right now!

Both of which, I might point out, are punishable by death or no sex until the baby is 21. (Of course, those damned pregnancy hormones get in the way of that punishment, ruining everything for you).

Asking you to bend over and pick something up appears reasonable to them, despite the fact that your frontage now resembles some sort of ill formed mountainous range and you have been asking them to do your shoe laces up for the last 3 weeks.

Breast groping is on the increase, and the hormones now taking over your dear partner’s body cause him to forget that it really pisses you off and he is likely to endure some form of pain should he continue.

He is also, now, completely incapable of refraining from saying such things as “should you be eating that whole tub by yourself” and “haven’t you got something else to wear, that one makes you look frumpy”.

I think we pregnant women, and Mothers everywhere need to be just a little bit more empathetic for these Fathers To Be … whether it is their first time or not.

After all, things are pretty tough for them.

Pregnancy hormones are funny things.They do all kinds of weird things to your body, things that necessitate the goings on of a pregnancy, such as relaxin, to allow ligaments additional flexability for the growing belly, or oxytocin to assist in bringing on labour.

Ok, I really, really don’t like Winter at all. Not my fave month by any stretch of the imagination.

Too cold for a start - especially in Melbourne! Ah, gotta love that icy “breeze” straight off the Antarctic.

(or not)

But what do I love about Winter?

This … A Foot Spa from Natural Form.

Not one of those foot spas that someone gives you as a last minute gift, you use once then put at the back of the cupboard, with the bread maker.

Nooo. It is a delicious foot spa powder, consisting of the pure essential oils of peppermint, lime, patchouli, spearming and palmarosa, and is a huge treat for the feet.

A dose in a large bowl of wam water, and then a LOT of sitting around relaxing, drinking wine and eating chocolate was required, whilst our feet were suitable pampered.

It claims to help increase circulation, aid athlete’s foot, nourish cracked and dry heals, and relieve aching feet - what whatever it claims, we can gaurantee it feels fantastic and easily acheived the aim of “general relaxation of lefs and feet”. Not to mention the mind.

Full of quality raw ingredients, we just know it did the job of relaxing and rejuvenating. Which is all that matters, really. Smells great, too. As do your feet after a good saoking.

If you are so inclined, you can also team with some of Natural Form’s English Breakfast Tea.

Over the last 3 years or so, we have had the odd “birds and bees” question.

As in the “sex” one. We’ve also had a fair share of questions about birds. And bees.

They commenced during his pre-school years, and have been very, very rare. Usually easily fobbed off with the word “naked” … “Euuwwwww. That’s disgusting!” … or a very vague explanation that can easily be discontinued with a well placed “Quick, look over there.”

Until recently, when we – or rather, I – got the “Mum, what’s sex?” question.

He wasn’t going to let up on it. I delayed as much as possible, advising I would read some books with him when he had finished his bath. Delay, delay, delay, delay, delay.

See, the thing is, on the one hand I do want him to know about it, and I would rather he heard the facts from me than another seven year old, or worse, a 12 year old. Or someone who thinks its ok to “lie” to children under the guise of “protecting their innocence”.

I also hope that, by being honest with him, I can remain open to him. I’m not deluded enough to say “I’ll be his best friend and he will tell me everything” because I know that’s complete rubbish. But, at the very least, I hope that he will know he can trust me not to lose my nut when he needs to tell me something, and he can trust me to tell him the truth.

How deluded that is, I don’t know, but we can only wait 10 years and see.

On the other hand, I’m just not ready. I was never exposed to talk of sex when I was growing up. At least not from reliable sources like my parents, or other trustworthy adults. And it was a bit of a taboo and/or giggly subject amongst my peers. I really didn’t know the best way to handle it. Or even what to say, and how to say it.

I had absolutely no experience at all with The Talk.  Is there not a rule book or something available that I can refer to?

Then, I didn’t know if I could do it with a straight face. Without giggling like a schoolgirl, or getting all embarrassed.

And how could I tell that to my seven year old, who really did want to know about it, honestly. “Sorry, Mummy can’t tell you for another 35 years because she’s just not mature enough!”?

Of course, then came all the things like my beliefs, values, experiences and all the other stuff. How much do they come into it? Am I even “allowed” to incorporate these things? How much do I divulge (sadly, not a great deal to divulge … but how much is a “great deal” when you’re seven?)?

Some days, you just have to jump, no safety net or anything. Whether you like it or not.

We both got through that one unscathed. We survived it! No collapsing into schoolgirl giggles or being struck by lightening.

Only time will tell whether I got it “right” or not.

Well, it happened!

Mums’ Night Out! 2008 went ahead last night as planned … well, almost as planned.

Just as we arrived at the venue, the whole area blacked out! We were without power for the first hour and a half.

But, being Mums, we all dealt with it. It was a great opportunity to catch up with friends (one of the points of the event!). More importnantly, the food and drinks kept acoming!

Ah, bliss … food and drinks served to us, and lots and lots of gossip and chat! What more could be asked for?

But there was more. LOADS more!

We kicked off with the raffles early on … some great prizes from some really amazing businesses (our Sponsors) … which went to support the Women’s Domestic Violence Crisis Service.

The food and drink kept coming, then we presented the 2008 Real Mum of the Year Award to a most deserving Mum, Penny Brecknell of Cairns (Qld)

J-Studio were on hand to capture images of the night … which can be viewed (and purchased) Here

The DJ was run off her feet once the power came back on … and everyone went home tired, happy and with a fantastic Goody Bag (once again, thanks to our awesome Sponsors!) loaded with samples, and vouchers and a whole heap of fabulous stuff (including a lollie bag! How cool is that!?)

Can’t wait till next year!