You may not be aware of this now, but you will soon after venturing out into public or speaking to any other human over the age of 16 years, but lots of things happen during the birthing process; medical, technical, physiological etc that you are rarely, if ever made aware of.
In most cases, you may not even need to know about them, just let the obstetrician, midwife and/or your body just do what they need to do. You can feel free to remain totally oblivious.
One of these psycho-physiological processes is Placento Perditio* which is, basically, the mental and physical losses you incur during the process of delivering the placenta; the afterbirth.
The 10 most common faculties a woman loses upon removal of the placenta immediately post-birth include:
- Her sense of humour
- Her personal beliefs and values
- Her ability to swear
- Her temper
- Her ability to outwardly display any remotely negative, disapproving or pessimistic emtion towards or in front of her offspring or any other parent
- Any emotion or feelings towards anything or anyone other than her offspring, especially herself
- Any desire to do anything for herself
- Ability to speak of anything not directly related to her offspring, or babies and children in general
- Ability to think of or do anything for any other person, including herself, particularly if that thinking or doing may mean she is not directly thinking or doing anything about or for her offspring
- All those things she said she’d never do when she had children.
“Dignity” has been left off this list as it is well documented and discussed amongst parents and parents to be, and is a given.
This list covers all those behaviours, thoughts and feelings that are rarely, if ever discussed and are excluded from all pregnancy and child-rearing books and expert documentation. Anectdotal evidence shows that the items on this list (and numerous others) are directly connected to the placenta and are removed from your mind and body at the precise moment the placenta is birthed.
Essentially, you have become a cyborg, programmed entirely to be at the beck and call of your new offspring (and any previous offspring you may have produced) and no longer have any ability to think or do outside of these spawn.
Should a programming malfunction have occurred, and you, for example, make a joke, particularly in relation to your children or parenting in general, or, perhaps, lose your temper and yell and/or swear at the aforementioned spawn, you automatically be labelled as a “bad mother”. Discussion of these particular personality traits you should now no longer possess are only ever mentioned in a judgemental fashion by others, generally behind your back, or loudly in a crowded shopping centre by someone who has jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Unfortunately – or fortunately, depending on which side you sit – permanent branding of this title is unlikely, due to lack of ability for others to have it engraved into your now robotic forehead. Therefore others are unable to immediately determine that you are, in fact, a bad parent.
Unless, of course, you deign to mention to someone that you have left your child in the care of someone that is not you so you may partake in something relaxing and purely for yourself, such as a pap-smear, bikini wax, or visit to your psychologist for anxiety and depression counselling.
*Placento Perditio is a totally made up word, don’t bother googling it.
