Ah, ‘tis the season of the rampant viruses, snotty noses, sore throats and days off school. Oh, what joy!

Of course, being Mummies and not doing things by halves, we get the added benefit of dealing with all the viral fun in more ways than one. Hooray!

Nothing like a bit of multitasking to keep us on our toes.

Firstly, there’s all the fun of having to interrupt your daily (or weekly) routine to put up with some hot, whinging, snotty kid who just wants a cuddle. Like a 24 hour one with no break!

There’s always the added benefit, even though you may have to take a day off work, miss your coffee date or just not do the vacuuming that day, that they are soooo sick they’re verging on comatose and you only need to go check them every couple of hours to ply them with more Panadol.

At least you get some peace and quiet at those times. But wait! There’s more.

Yes, more benefit. You don’t need to leave the house for swimming lessons, school pickup, tai kwon do or any of those ‘extra’ things you generally have to do.

If you have more than one child, however, you will discover their complete inability to co-ordinate their illness, forcing you to rely on the kindness of others to do some sort of pickup or drop off, have the “well” child missing swimming lessons to stay at home and annoy everyone else because they’re “bored”, and the inevitable “You love him more than me!”

The fact that “he” is verging on hospital admission is absolutely irrelevant and that argument should never be entered into in order to convince unloved sibling of its complete falsehood.

You do get to repeat exactly the same thing the following week with the extra child. Repeat weekly until all your children have been affected. In some cases, you may even get to repeat the cycle again, with recurring infections. Just in case you thought you had a handle on it.

And what about when Mummy is sick?

Do the kids care? Your husband?

Of course not. This is well outside of their domain or comprehension ability. Don’t even attempt to kid yourself that they may have an inkling of understand. Or compassion. That’s just your ‘flu induced delusional state speaking.

Of course, they won’t baulk at any missed school days, however, your complete incapacitation is completely inconsiderate and you will still be required to entertain them.

This is where you can apply some Real Mums Tips to Winter Bugs:

• Implement what you will now refer to as a “Special Mummy Day”, that will never, ever happen again, or until Mummy decides she needs another one;
• Let them choose a DVD each. Several each if necessary;
• Get some blankets, fill up some water bottles – big ones (yours may contain Vodka, Gin, Scotch or the strong liquor of your choice), plate up some snacks and settle yourself on the couch for the long haul;
• If necessary, teach children how to insert and play a DVD. If they know how to already – bonus!!
• Lie on couch. Have children seat themselves comfortably around you – with strict instructions that if there is any movement for the next 3 days, they will be removed permanently from their position and forced to sit on the worst chair in the house. Threaten ostracism if necessary;
• Do not move until you are fully recovered and/or need to top up your ‘water’ bottle.

If you struggle with this from a guilt perspective, practice this mantra:

“If they can open the Tupperware, they will not starve.”

Just ensure all Tupperware is at a safe child height. You’re in no state to be dashing off to the emergency department just now. Although … it could take your mind off your current condition.

Nothing like a bit of drama to cure a sick Mummy!

(And if your hubby can’t open the Tupperware – then he deserves to starve!)

Pelvic Flaw

The human body is an amazing piece of machinery; a complex structure of organs and systems, designed not just to keep the individual organism alive, but ensures the survival or an entire whole species.

Its design has all its parts working concurrently to ensure oxygen and nutrients are transported quickly and efficiently to where they are needed, and wastes removed from where they are not. The structure of the skeletal system protects the most vital of organs, and the skin prevents infections from entering the body.

All in all, it’s pretty good. Despite, this, however, it has a number of fundamental flaws.

The knee and shoulder joints, to name a few of the body’s misgivings, are far too complexly designed, are easily dislocated and damaged, and are a bugger to fix when necessary. Likewise, the lateral aspect of the ankle is constructed with a weak ligament unable to prevent the “rolling” of the joint, resulting often in a twisted ankle or sprain. Or just hurting quite a lot.

The biggest, and most inconvenient, design error, however, is the pelvic floor, the “hammock” of muscles that string from pelvic bone to pelvic bone which buttress the organs of the pelvic cavity.

And control the passage of substances from the urethra and anus. That is, they stop you wetting your pants.

Unlike the cardio-vascular and respiratory muscles, or even those of the digestive system, the pelvic floor does not involuntarily contract of its own accord. In fact, save for keeping a small human incubated for a specified period of time, it has no “life saving” abilities, and is, therefore, not considered “vital”.

Herein lies the issue. These muscles are required to support the increasing weight of a human child. In some cases, more than one human child. Without voluntary contraction to assure it is in good working order at all times. Really, it’s not like a woman with child has anything better to think about than contracting her pelvic floor muscles every 20 seconds or so.

Supporting a growing foetus in this manner is tantamount to supporting King Kong utilising one of Barbie’s beach hammocks for a long nap and expecting it to be in good nick when he’s finished with it. Basically, it’s not; its stretched out of shape and unable to do its job properly. Like holding your wee in when you most need it to.

Pondering the function and design of the pelvic floor, it was concluded that it is designed in this manner for a reason. It is to prevent mothers from contracting illnesses, particularly those illnesses that result in coughing and/or sneezing, so that they may be available to care for their children at all times.

It has been observed that the more persistent or forceful the coughing or sneezing, the less effective the pelvic floor is, thus ensuring that the mother recovers quickly, and does not get sick again.

The pelvic floor is also quite useless in the event of running or jumping. This is to prevent mothers from attempting to leave their offspring in search of their own time alone, enjoyment and putting themselves first, for example partaking in exercise regimes, or attempting to join in children’s play and enjoying themselves. It is common knowledge that mothers are prohibited from having any fun.

It even goes to the extent of preventing mothers from drinking too much during the day, as they have no time to go to the toilet whilst caring for small children.

In later years, this pelvic flaw may actually contribute to the extended lifespan of the mother. In cases where she is required to sit for extensive hours in the cold watching a game of junior football, for example, her inability to control her pelvic floor means she must leave the safety of her warm car to use the public toilets, preventing her from dying of boredom.

This technique is also used in other life-threatening situations, such as ballet recitals, school concerts, office Christmas parties and visits with the in-laws.

Although, initially, it may appear as though this design defect is relatively excessively inconvenient, it clearly contributes to the survival of the species. Mother’s are available for their children at all times, ensuring their safety and survival during their younger years. As the children grow older and able to fend for themselves, the pelvic floor prevents early demise of the mother, thus enabling her to be present to care for the offspring of her offspring. And so the cycle continues.

Just don’t let it stop you having a good laugh with your girlfriends!

Women are renowned for their ability to multi-task. Mums can do it better. WAY better. Like looking after our mental, emotional and physical health, and that of our families, checking the post office box, grabbing the latest paper and/or gossip mag, getting the baby to sleep, catching up with friends and obtaining our morning latte …

We do this by going for a walk. Much can be achieved by doing this. In fact, all of the above and more can be done in a mere 40 minute brisk walk. Just the one walk. The operative word is “brisk”.

That’s right. We’re in a hurry! So here is a guide for Other People – ie You! – for Exercise (Walking):

• You – Old Lady in head to toe black, we get that your husband died sometime in the last 800 years but surely there is some kind of end to the mourning period which no longer gives you the right to take up the entire footpath and walk really, really slowly!!?
• You – ok, we can see you’re young and clearly don’t have kids. We know this because you’re out running for fun, have a great bod and you look like you got some sleep last night. But please, please get yourself a decent bra! Trust us, you’ll thank us for this advice in the very near future;
• You – lady who is off to work! Go To WORK! And stop chatting with the bloke at the coffee bar and doing that step away step back thing. And if you do wanna chat, please don’t stand in the middle of the footpath while you’re doing it;
• You – old man with walking stick. You’ll find it much easier and quicker to walk if you walk to one side, with the walking stick beside you, not in the middle of the path with your walking stick out to one side, and you’re arm counter-balancing you sticking out the other!;
• You – Lady who can’t get her act together and is running late and comes flying around a corner in your car. I know it takes a mere portion of a millisecond to use your indicators to let people know that you are turning (thus the title “indicator”) but please use it for the safety of my baby. And don’t get shirty with us because you are running late!;
• You – yes, you, the “madly in love” young couple ambling up the street holding hands. We think it’s lovely that you are young and in love and uninhibited in holding hands in public, but is it necessary to take up that much room? Or to walk that slowly. Yeah, you’ll be in our shoes one day, just you wait.

Not all of us have all the time in the world. We are in a hurry … whether it’s to get home in time for Oprah, work on our multi-million dollar enterprise or just make sure the kids are still alive and/or in one piece after leaving them with their dad for half an hour.

This Guide will go a long way to ensuring not only the health and well-being of Real Mums and their families, but also yours. A time poor, stressed Mum is not in your best interests. Particularly if you have delayed her caffeine fix.

For everyone’s sake, please, get out of our way.